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One Simple Step to a Lasting, Happy Relationship

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 00:00:00 GMT

One Simple Step to a Lasting, Happy Relationship

If the books and articles written on how to have a long, happy marriage were gathered in one place, they could fill a library. However, if the wisdom in all those words were brought down to the simplest component, it could be summed up in a word.

But there are two problems with that word. First, we don’t understand what it means. Second, it is too expensive for most of us. We aren’t willing to pay the price.

That one word is love. We use it every day and we think we know what it means, but our understanding is drawn from our culture. True love isn’t hearts, valentines, chocolates, teddy bears, and flowers—or even diamond rings.

Neither is it the flutter of your heart when someone special comes in the room. Nor is true love the feeling of joy and fulfillment that comes when you’ve found the person of your dreams. All those things are nice, and they may be expressions of love, but they don’t define what it is.

True love is costly. When you have true love, you place the needs and desires of the other person above your own. Love lays its life down for the other person—and that doesn’t mean just in times of great danger. On a daily basis, true love is concerned about the other person, not with self.

True love:

Is patient and kind—even when the object of its love is slow, disagreeable, or unkind.
Is humble, seeking to build up others rather than bragging about its own deeds.
Doesn’t insist on its own way.
Doesn’t think bad of others.
Is always courteous.
Is not irritable, resentful, or self-centered.
Does not keep track of wrongs suffered.
Doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth.
Is supportive in every situation.
Believes and hopes for the best.
Endures all things.
Never fails. Like the Everready Bunny it keeps on keeping on, choosing others over self.

The love pictured in today’s culture is selfish, seeking self-fulfillment. True love is expensive because it asks us to die to self and put someone else first, seeking fulfillment for the other person. But the rewards are worth the sacrifice.

You want a Happy Relationship that will last into your elder years? The more you’re able to love someone with this type of love, the more love you will receive in return—leading to self-fulfillment and a long, happy relationship with the object of your love.

You Decide

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:37:32 GMT

You Decide

This morning I received a forwarded email with the following anecdote:

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on his window. ‘I love it,’ he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mr. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with it,’ he replied. “It is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged but how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.”

Mr. Jones is right. And it works with people just as with rooms and body aches. If we decide in the morning to be grateful for the people that God puts in our lives—no matter how much we approve of some things they do—we will find it much easier to live with them in peace and joy. We don’t have to let others determine the quality of our day or the tone of our disposition.

Find Life!

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 21:15:51 GMT

Find Life!

I’m excited. Actually, I’m doubly excited. We’re making preparations for having an on-line course to help people find freedom from anger. I’m excited about having one more tool for encouraging people to victory over anger.

In preparation for the course, I am working through Uprooting Anger myself—and I’m loving it. A prison chaplain once said that men who were doing the study were growing and changing. He said, “It’s life to them.” Later, an individual doing the study said, “It’s life to me.”

I experienced joy, excitement, conviction—yes, and life—as I originally did the study, but that was ten years ago. It then became discipline and work to edit and prepare Uprooting Anger for publication. This is the first time I’ve done the study as if I’d never seen it. As a result, I’m excited—because it’s life to me too! Every day as I work on a short lesson, I’m overwhelmed by the Lord and His goodness.

God said His Word doesn’t return void. I’m finding that to be true even as I review passages and concepts that are familiar to me.

Are you looking for life? I highly recommend God’s Word. You sometimes have trouble seeing how it applies to your personal life? Give Uprooting Anger a try. Maybe it will bless you like it’s blessing me.

It Takes a Pot

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 00:00:00 GMT

It Takes a Pot

Quarreling is common among children. Years ago, when quarrels turned to name calling—or tattling—it was common to hear the retort, “It takes a pot to call a kettle black.” It brought to mind pictures of early America houses with black cast iron pots and kettles hanging in the fireplace.

The pots and pans—uh, kettles—in our house weren’t black, but I got the picture. I knew it meant the same thing as “It takes one to know one.” I also understood not to call someone a liar, because that phrase might be used to insinuate that I was a liar too. Some things are better left unsaid—even if they are true.

I’ve come to see there seems to be some truth to that saying. Have you ever noticed that when politicians are hurdling insults at their opponents, the same charges are usually fitting for the accuser? It always brings to mind pots calling kettles black.

I’ve seen the same between couples. For an example, she gets upset because he’s not sensitive to her needs and only thinks about himself. However, she’s so focused on her own needs and his failure to meet them, that she’s blind and deaf to what he says. She doesn’t realize she’s doing exactly what she’s accusing him of. Naturally, he shuts down because she’s only thinking of herself. The circle gets so vicious you can’t tell which is the pot and which the kettle.

If you don’t like to be part of such vicious cycles, it’s simple enough to stop it. Just remember that it takes a pot to call a kettle black, or it takes one to know one. If the kettle you have to deal with is looking black to you, take a minute to look in the mirror and see what you find. Be real sure a black pot isn’t staring back at you. I can just about guarantee that if you’ll polish up the pot until it shines, the kettle won’t look quite so black any more. Polishing the pot before calling the kettle black avoids a lot conflict.

There is Power in Words

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 06:29:31 GMT

There is Power in Words

Is there a particular person that tends to get under your skin or that most frequently makes you mad? It’s likely your spouse, but could also be another family member or a co-worker.

Would you like a simple step to help the situation? It can help you not react as quickly and might even help the other person not be so irritating. Are you interested?

It’s simple. Speak well of the other person in public. Don’t say anything negative against him or her. Instead, make a habit of saying positive things as you talk about the person. (I know it might be hard, but if you try, you can find something.) Affirm him to his face and when talking about him to others, especially if he can hear—but be sincere.

Two things will happen if you regularly affirm the person publicly with genuine remarks.

First, your opinion will be influenced by your words, and you will begin to think better of the person. Consequently, you won’t be as easily irritated.

Second, the person will be influenced by your words. As you praise an attribute, you will get more of it. He or she will begin to live up to your praise.

It’s a new year, the time of resolutions. What could it hurt to give it a try for a few months? Give it time and watch what happens. Remember, you need to hold in the negative. If you slip and say something negative, before the day is over, make two positive comments to make up for it—or before the conversation is over if it will fit.

If you can’t think of something positive to say, ask God to help you. He loves that person in spite of their flaws.

I’d like to hear what happens. Share your story with me..

New Year's Resolution?

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:00:00 GMT

New Year’s Resolution?

As the calendar turns to a New Year, it’s a natural time to resolve to start over, to make changes that need to be made, hence, the ritual of New Year’s resolutions. Commitments to improve health by exercise or weight loss are probably the most popular resolutions, but if you have come to this site, you’ve probably considered making a commitment to control your anger better.

But then again, it may seem frightening to commit to such, because past efforts at anger management have always failed. If that describes you—or if you’ve never tried to overcome anger before—I have a couple of words of advice.

Quit trying to not be angry. That’s negative thinking and it doesn’t work anyway. This isn’t permission to let it all out. You still need to hold in angry words and actions. However, instead of focusing on not being angry, commit yourself to love those around you. Learn to love.

Love is:

Patient
Kind
Not Jealous
Does Not Brag
Not Jealous
Doesn’t seek its own way or advantage
Not provoked
Doesn’t keep track of wrongs suffered
Doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth
Bears all things
Believes all things
Hopes all things
Endures all things
Love Never fails (From 1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

If you can learn to relate to others with these character qualities, you won’t have a problem with anger.

Second, realize that this type of love is too hard for you—and ask God to love through you. As long as you try hard to walk in love, you’ll keep having to try hard to make it happen. However, if you cry out to God to love through you and to fill your heart with love, He will transform your heart. It’ll probably be a slow process, so pray the prayer every morning and throughout the day. God is love. If He lives in your heart, His love resides in your heart too. As you surrender to Him, His love will grow. As love increases, anger will decrease.

Merry Christmas!

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:35:49 GMT

Have a very Merry Christmas, filled with love, laughter, and sharing meaningful fellowship with those you love. Most of all, have an Emmanuel Christmas—one blessed with an awareness of Christ’s presence with you.

Indeed, He promised that He will never leave or forsake those who love Him and are called by His name. May He open your eyes and heart to experience His nearness.

How to Fight Christmas Stress

Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:00:00 GMT

How to Fight Christmas Stress

Christmas is celebrated as the season of happiness and joy. However, for many, it’s also the most stressful time of the year. When stress builds, you’re one step away from lashing out at innocent people around you. But Christmas joy doesn’t have to be ruined with tension-induced anger. There are some simple steps that can help us dial down and find grace for each day.

When stress builds:

• Ask God for help. When stressed, we sometimes forget to cry out to God. His strength is made known in our weakness. He can calm our hearts and help us cope.

• Be grateful. What has God done for you? Be specific. As you count your blessings your focus moves from the negative—how bad things are, or how much you have to do—to the positive things in your life. Remembering what God has done builds faith for what He can do in the present situation.

• Identify stress issues. What is causing the stress? One thing, or too many things to do? Are the things on your list all necessary? Many Christmas activities come from trying to keep up with our peers or serve tradition. Some could be eliminated without harm. Do away with what you can. Cry out to the Lord for help with the rest.

• Spend within your means. If financially stressed, don’t go in debt for gifts—that adds more stress which will stay with you. Instead, seek God for creative ways to give of yourself. Make it a Christmas of building relationships with those you love.

Books and magazines offer more practical suggestions, but many times, our real need is to refocus and line our priorities up with what God is asking of us rather than what cultural or personal expectations demand. Just knowing we are pleasing the Lord brings satisfaction and renewed energy, and having His strength and grace for the task can carry us through the most stressful days.

The Foundation of Anger

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:00:00 GMT

The Foundation of Anger

It seems the world is full of anger. Terrorists threaten to kill those who don’t hold similar beliefs. Innocent victims suffer terrible atrocities from the hands of fellow countrymen. Protests and marches are turning into riots against governments. Antagonism between political parties cripples our leaders’ ability to work together—and makes them unable to lead. Even closer to home, road rage is escalating, and news of robbery, abuse, and homicide fills the daily news.

Where does such anger come from? What is its foundation?

James asks that question in James 4:1-3. He says, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?” He answers with several points which build on one another.

“Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?
1. You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. [or scream and riot]
2. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel.
You do not have because you do not ask.
You ask and do not receive,
1. Because you ask with wrong motives,
2. So that you may spend it on your pleasures.”

(Outline format added for emphasis.)

God has not given us the insight, wisdom, or position to judge other people. I’m sure many have a legitimate reason to be angry. But listen to the angry voices around you. Many confirm the words of James. They demand more for their own pleasures—voices of envy, frustrated because they cannot obtain. They fight for what they want so they can spend it on themselves.

Recently, I met some elderly cousins that came to town to see where their ancestors were buried. A genealogist among them said that when the family moved from Switzerland in the 1800s, they had been sold farmland in Kentucky. They came to set up a dairy farm, but they found land filled with rocks, not the rich pastureland promised them.

They arrived too late in the year to build a house, so they lived through the winter in a tent. They survived on cheese they had brought from Switzerland. Without it, they would have starved. Records are lost. We don’t know the whole story, but they settled and farmed greener pastures in a nearby county. Through affliction and hard work, they built a successful future.

Many people today suffer because they’ve been wronged or are in need. In hard times, frustration grows and easily turns to anger. However, I can’t help but wonder if the loudest voices we hear are the voices of those who are looking to others to fill their pleasures. If they were willing to sacrifice and suffer to see their dreams come true, would they have as much energy to fight and quarrel?

Do we dare go a step further? What about me? When I fight and quarrel, am I trying to get others to fulfill my desires? Is it my pleasure that I’m really seeking?

Does Being a Christian Make Me Different?

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:00:00 GMT

Does Being a Christian Make Me Different?

Elisabeth Elliot said, “The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian. But the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.”

When I read that, I thought of anger. We need to ask ourselves, does the fact that I am a Christian make me a different kind of person? In other words, does the Lord rule in my heart enough that I don’t get angry like I once did?

Anger thrives in a heart that is self-centered and self-serving. God is love—i.e. other-centered and other-serving. When I have a problem with anger, it’s a sign that I am on the throne of my heart, not God—a signal that I need more of God. I need to let Him love through me.

I Corinthians 13 describes godly love. One way to gain victory over anger is to use that chapter as a standard and pray that God will transform your heart with His love, praying specifically for qualities that you lack which are listed in those verses.

As you pray that His love grow in you, you can be confident you are in agreement with the Lord. Our love is as filthy rags. s being a Christian making a difference? It takes time for the transformation to take place. Persevere. Ask and keep on asking, and you shall receive.